Monsanto acquires Ethicurean in surprise takeover

Special to The Ethicurean, by Barry Foy

Reactions ranged from bewilderment to outrage at today, following news that the food watchdog had fallen victim to a hostile takeover by chemical/genetics giant Monsanto Corp.
Monsanto’s announcement was upbeat: “We are pleased to welcome into the Monsanto family (The Stuff of Life: We Own It…for the Children®). Although the organization’s closed-mindedness toward our efforts to feed the world’s hungry and golf courses has been, frankly, hurtful, we expect some minor personnel changes to go far toward harmonizing our two cultures. In fact, investors can expect the Ethicurean brand to be fully subsumed into the Monsanto concept within a short time, and possibly never heard from again.”

The spokesman detailed a round of layoffs planned for the new acquisition. Ethicurean offices in Paris, Kuala Lumpur, and Lagos will take the heaviest toll, with 6,300 employees getting pink slips (out of a combined total of 6,120). Staffing at the group’s northern California headquarters will remain stable at 2.

Meanwhile, rumors abound that Monsanto may try to apply its patented “Terminator Gene” technology to Ethicurean and its workers, a process that implants a kind of suicidal genetic sequence in seeds. The effects on Ethicurean could be significant, and may even

6 Responsesto “Monsanto acquires Ethicurean in surprise takeover”

  1. Daniel says:

    The last, desperate action: “click…. must….. click…. post…”

  2. Jen says:

    Eschew THIS Montsanto! :)

  3. Linda says:

    This is BRILLIANT. Indeed, tell the world.

  4. Awkward… Definitely awkward. :}

  5. Tammy says:

    Crap, the Internet forecast calls for wind. Could this Terminator Gene spread to other blogs?

  6. Fooled Once says:

    It’s time to incinerate the trash…er, take out the Monsanto Board or perhaps give them an agent orange bath.