Innovative process turns any vegetable organic in seconds

Special to The Ethicurean, by Barry Foy

Tomato getting injectedAgribusiness stocks rose sharply today, following the announcement this morning of a new process that transforms conventionally raised produce into organic, instantly and at almost no cost.

News of the discovery reached the Washington Post just after midnight, in a press release from a little-known group called Favoring the Right of Americans to a Wholesome Diet. The organization’s letterhead describes it as “A Spontaneous, Grassroots Coalition of Real Americans, Just Like You and Your Neighbors, with No Links to Food Industry Giants Such as Monsanto, Kraft, or Smithfield.”

President Bush reacted swiftly, issuing an executive order mandating application of the process to all of the country’s produce. Explaining his quick response, he said, “Being a no-brainer, I didn’t see the point of tying up the Congress in another divisive debate. Not that this would have been divisive.” There is some uncertainty as to what “no-brainer” referred to; reporters are awaiting clarification from the White House.

By lunchtime, a contract for nationwide implementation of the procedure had been awarded to yet another grassroots group, the Halliburton Corporation, following what officials described as “fiercely competitive” bidding that pitted Halliburton against an Elks Club Lodge in Akron, Ohio, and the employees of the Shine-Rite Car Detailing Center in Baton Rouge.

Meanwhile, precise details of the new technology have been slow to emerge. One industry observer speculated that it might involve a novel use of ultraviolet light; another hinted at a previously undiscovered side-effect of shrink-wrapping.

As for potential safety concerns, a man interviewed in the White House Rose Garden urged citizens to give the matter as little thought as possible: “Believe me,” he said, “it’s really complicated and scientific—you couldn’t possibly understand.” Asked who he was, the man would say only that he “happened to be walking past the White House and ducked in to use the restroom. And by the way, I have no links to food industry giants such as Monsanto, Kraft, or Smithfield.”

The office of the Vice President has promised to disclose specific information very soon, assuming that none of it impinges on national security.


Seattle writer Barry Foy is the author of The Devil’s Food Dictionary. Photo credit: iStockPhoto.

25 Responsesto “Innovative process turns any vegetable organic in seconds”

  1. Steve says:

    Please tell me this is a joke!

    —-> :D ??????

  2. Amber says:

    If its not a joke I think I’ll be out of business

  3. tasterspoon says:

    And it’s not even April 1. The scary thing is how we’re a little uncertain about whether it might not be a joke.

  4. Jennifer says:

    O.K., I’m thinking this is an early April Fool’s Day joke.

  5. Kim says:

    Check out the acronym for the group (Favoring the Right of Americans to a Wholesome Diet–FRAWD). Very cute!

  6. Cool. Now we just need to be able to inject intelligence into cretins so our heads of state know what they’re thinking. The marvels of modern science!

  7. James Camp says:

    Listen folks, sorry to be the one to tell you this but plants need food themselves to produce food for us humans. Where does plant food come from? (Animals) And where does animal food come from? (Plants) Believe it or not, what we eat has to start somewhere and that is not out back of the Grocery Store. So get ready for the shock of your life. The more people, the less land to grow food on. So let’s just keep letting more and more immigrants come into our country until there is no more land for all those beef and dairy cows to roam around on and be organic. Where will our food come from then? Ever stopped to think about the fact that the more people the less animals and the less animals the less plants so where does that leave us humans?

  8. James, you’ve got an outline of the basic equation correct however the coefficients are far different than you’re guessing. We already produce far more food than is needed. The only reasons for hunger in this world are political and economic. It is not for lack of food production capacity.

  9. James Camp says:

    Walter, Sounds like you have the problem and the solution figured out. Does that mean that I can expect to see your name in the future running for President. Maybe you are willing to add another $500,000 to your taxes come April 15th so the people who would give our country away can buy food for those peopele who supposeably can’t feed themselves. Better still, volunteer to raise your taxes so that all the “do gooders” in this country can send more of our money to the corrupt politicians running these third world countries.

    The majority of people in the world are basicly lazy. They have no problem making babies but care very little about feeding them. All you have to do is watch televison. When they show people in third world countries, what are they doing? Sitting around smoking cigaretts or watching the women working. When you go to the bread basket of the US what does one see. People working and farming and trying to do something. Working in the fields from before sun up to after dark seven days a week. Yes we have an abundance of food in this country and it is only because someone gets out there and does something. They do not wait around for a hand out. Sure we have too much food. Thank God for that but it may not always be that way. We all should thank God Almighty for Companies like Monsanto, General Electric, Merck or Con Agra and the people who work for them for giving us so much that we can afford to complain about it.

    People who have always had everything make me sick. Most people in the US wouldn’t last two months without the very people they condem.

  10. Wow, James. I don’t know what you’re smoking. You obviously don’t know what you’re talking about.

  11. James Camp says:

    I can see that you are just another one of those misinformed consumers that would last about a month without the American Farmer. You would be one of the first out there screaming to the Goverment to save you.

    I bet that you do not even try to grow a tomato. How many cows have you ever milked? Have you ever been to a commerical broiler farm to see how chickens are grown?

    Didn’t think so.

    So just keep praying that there will be farmers to do all the hard work and take all the risks so that you have plenty to eat.

    Maybe I can try some of what you’ve been smoking!

  12. Of course, James, you must be right because you said it and we all know you are right. I suggest you do a little research about someone before you try describing them. :) You’re a very funny guy.

  13. Bonnie P. says:

    James, Walter *is* a farmer. He is also being remarkably restrained. You need to venture outside America and not rely on images of “third world countries” you see on TV. The world is a much bigger and more complex place than that.

    I happen to agree with you that “most people in the US wouldn’t last two months without the very people they condemn” — I just think those “very people” are immigrants. So please speak respectfully of the people who really feed the majority of Americans.

    Everyone else, just a little friendly advice: It’s always better not to feed the trolls. They’re like pigeons — they just hang around then and crap all over everything.

  14. James Camp says:

    Immigrants do not feed anyone. They depend on American Farmers to plant the crops and take the risks. To buy the permits and pay the taxes on the land and abide by all the stupid laws placed on Agriculture only in this country. All immigrants from Mexico do is provide the labor. Some become part of what America is and are no longer immigrants but citizens.

    By the way, I do not have anything against Walter. But until he can show me, not tell be a better way for this nation to continue to prosper any other way but through the advancements in science, I will continue to believe as I do.

    I have traveled all over the world and seen the filth that people continue to live in. Only they can change how things are for them. We have excesses because we have the desire to produce and have more. Our fore fathers knew what it was going to take to make our country what it has turned out to be. We as intelligent people cannot let them down by beliving in all this insane jibberish.

  15. Which reminds me of a wonderful song by Tom Lehrer. The trick is using something that won’t taint the meat. :)

    James, as to showing you, I’m doing precisely that. I spread what I know about farming, homesteading and other things. Go read my farm blog and my NoNAIS blogs. Start at the beginning. They should keep you busy and out of trouble for a while. :)

  16. James Camp says:

    You have got to be kidding me. What you are doing would not feed or sustain your family let alone the people of this country.

  17. Emily H. says:

    James, I’m thinking you should stick to photography—it’s more becoming.

  18. Actually, James, on our farmstead we produce virtually all the food for our own family as well as feeding thousands of other people. All very sustainably and naturally without the use of GMOs, high mechanization, confinement or toxic pharmacology.

    By the way, since you don’t seem incline to actually do your homework I’ll give you a clue. I’m a scientist and inventor, a widely published writer and photographer as well as being a farmer. I know and appreciate art, science, math and careful, methodical thinking – things you need to get acquainted with. You really need to get out more.

    As to feeding this country, Monstersanto, Cargill, Smithfield and their ilk won’t do it. Not in the long term. They are focused on the short term profits they make from raping the economy, the environment and the public. But not to worry, they will die out in time. You see there is no need to save the Earth – The planet will heal. The only question is whether humans will be there to see it.

  19. Student says:


    1). You obviously haven’t done your research on immigration (especially when it comes to Mexican/Latino migrant workers). I’d suggest you divert your attention away from what popular media has to say on the subject and expand your horizons a bit. There’s some truth in what you say about providing labor and increased populations, yes–but there’s a whole world of good you’re missing. Immigrants provide a great deal more than just seasonal grunt work, and at a far smaller and more complex cost than you seem to be calculating.

    2). There’s a complex world of food politics out there, too–third world countries are often subject to corruption and degradation as a RESULT of the global food economy (“The Road to Hell” by Michael Maren is a good place to start, especially if you look at the sources used for his research). Industrial farming in the U.S. has actually done a great deal to prevent the success of the developing world. Take some time to get to know the global economy before you condemn the most impoverished. I’ve traveled too and done a fair bit of study when it comes to development, and I’ve only found more and more that the U.S. should serve as an example of what NOT to do. Industrialization/mechanization of agriculture does a great deal to promote inequality and impoverishment–not diminish it. Maybe it makes the poor easier to ignore?

    3). Pesticide and chemical use, large-scale production, and mechanization are not a feasible means of feeding this country. Plain and simple. Small-scale farms actually produce MORE per acre than an industrial farm, and at less of a cost to the environment. I know there’s a lot of conspiracy-theory and hoop-dee-la surrounding Monsanto and others in the agri-axis-of-evil, but there’s truth in a lot of that guff–especially if you have any understanding of the basic function of an ecosystem (or social system!). People and nature are fundamentally connected. Even though our urban-sprawled, fuel-fed, disconnected “communities” leave out the bigger picture. Algal blooms, multiple chemical sensitivity, insecticide-created “super bugs”–there’s a plethora of reasons to go organic. And honestly, can you say no to the taste?

    4). In short, you’ve got to get at the nitty-gritty of not only our global political economy, but also how societies make use of and connect with (or ignore) the intricacies of the land supporting them. People are not as lazy as you think–only misinformed (especially in this country). All the more reason to do some more reading yourself. I’m not saying I have the answers, I just know that after looking at a number of different sides of the issue, there’s a lot stacked against much of what you’re suggesting here. As Walter says, get out more, do some thinking, look around and really get to know the world we’re living in and creating for ourselves.

  20. Barry Foy says:


    I’m not sure how my little story spawned this brawl, but for the sake of the children, I entreat all of you folks to calm down. In return, I offer you this solemn pledge: In view of the bloodshed I’ve triggered with a piece that was supposed to be humorous, I hereby vow never to even consider writing anything serious. The cost in human lives could be immense!

    Not that I was ever going to.

  21. Alain says:

    James- your antagonism your close mindedness and your real lack of knowing what you are talking about is showing. First of all that article was a spoof. I thought it was funny. (Thanx Barry!!) Second of all your attacking people is so out of line. Your responses themselves look funny to those of us who know how absurd your statements are. Thirdly Yes we need to be concerned about food product but the big producers arent going to save us. It is having millions of small farmers who will be our saving grace. That in and of itself eliminates most of the need for transport as the food is produced locally. There we save a great deal of diesel and eliminate a lot of carbon gas production which will help. Small diversified farmers also dont use the chemicals like the huge spreads. Organic, natural, and pasture are better ways that big corporations just dont understand.

    Clue. (That ones for you James).

  22. Barry – If it makes you feel better, I laughed! ;)

  23. Suzanne Ehrhardt says:

    Barry, that was hilarious.  Walter, good on yer my friend.  You are a gentleman.  James. I got nothin’.  I am still in shock. 
    Is there a time warp I don’t know about here? The real, modern world we live in is not about this and it can’t be if we are to survive and thrive.
    Let’s just hope that the James’ of this world open their eyes, their minds and their hearts.  Seriously, chill man.
    And no, I am not some hippy communist whatever.  I am just a fellow human being who is disappointed in what I read.

  24. OMGosh, how did I miss this last year.  First laughing out loud at the post – brilliant!  Then at the comments.  Walter, you are one very cool cat.  Suzanne, thanks for digging this one up out of the archives.